Happy Birthday, Zack!

Today is your birthday, Zack. Happy Birthday. I know that wherever you are now you are keeping a watchful eye over me, all your friends, and your loving family.

It has been nearly 1 year since you passed away and literally not a single day goes by where I do not think of you and the endless memories we share together. It is amazing - the little details I had long forgotten about - until one random day they all come flooding back to me. Since your passing I have played over and over again in my head the endless thoughts, pains, feelings, and memories like a broken record; rehashing the time we spent together and what – if anything – I could or should have done differently. For months I kept my true feelings bottled up, pushed the whole situation out of mind, and forced myself to move on. Not because I did not care, but to the contrary, because I cared too much.

However, I have slowly come to realize and accept that no matter how much time I take to think things over or how much care I put into choosing my words, there is absolutely no way I will ever be able to perfectly express what it is that you mean to me. There is no more sense in hiding from what I have been too afraid to face, there is no more reason in feeling like what I have to say will never mean enough.

Zack, since you passed it seems that around every corner lie even the smallest, most insignificant things that remind me of you, but within these small details is the remarkable power to trigger the most overwhelming inundation of memories and emotions that I have ever known. Even as I escape the conscious and shut off my mind to sleep you seep into my dreams. I have reoccurring dreams that surround real moments from our childhood where it is impossible not to feel like everything is happening in real life. Dreams that have us playing football, going on road trips, laughing until our sides hurt, and playing music together – dreams that are so real that I wish I could stay in that dream world forever.

At first, these constant reminders of you were painful pinpricks to my delicately healing scars in the wake of your absence, but I have now come to welcome and relish the daily reminders of you that are the highlight of my day.

I could truly go on and on about all the memories and the important role that you played in my life. That special bond that kids share growing up together: playing sports, causing trouble, spending every possible minute together, weathering the growing pains and simple joys of adolescence. From things as simple and innocent as an overnight stay watching movies and playing video games as 13 year old kids to issues as heavy and life altering as dealing with schizophrenia as a young adult – you and I truly covered the whole gamut together.

When you were with us you were my best friend, Zack. This alone is extremely important and special to me, but to quantify that further, you were my best friend during the absolute most crucial and developmental time in our lives. A time when – for better or worse – who your friends are defines you nearly as much as you yourself do. A time when adolescence and innocence slowly evolve into adulthood as we mature at the hands of defining - and often painful - life lessons. It is impossible for me to look back on these formative years and to not immediately think of you, as you were at my side all the while. It is impossible for me to look back on these years and not think of your parents, who loved me as one of their own. At a time when teenagers inexplicably ignore their own parents and seek solace, understanding, and acceptance from outside their own homes, your family was a constant source of reassurance and care. Likewise, I know you felt the same within my family as my loving parents treated you as their own in our home too. In that sense, you and I were truly like brothers.

Of course, you and I had more than our fair share of childish, mischievous run-ins growing up. Getting into trouble around the neighborhood and at school, our parents certainly gave us our fair dosage of tough love. However, as we got older we straightened out for the best. As we matured and came to learn the error of our childish ways, I saw deep down that within you there was never any malice in your heart. You never did wrong by anyone and you were a genuinely good and pure person. Your only objective in life seemed to be to make others laugh, which you did without fail.

No matter what was going on in your life you took advantage of every opportunity to make others laugh. Growing up, you never abandoned your silly, carefree demeanor and after looking back on all the time we spent together, I honestly cannot think of one moment when I saw you genuinely angry or upset. Among our friends you were - without a question – the funniest of the bunch. It is innumerable the times that our group of friends sat around, joking with each other and telling funny stories that ended with tears in my eyes and pain in my sides from laughing so hard from your antics and anecdotes.

You truly lived to make people laugh Zack, yet ironically, you were cursed with having to battle such sad illnesses with depression and Schizophrenia. Diseases I never quite understood, but even more frustrating, never understood why you were unlucky as to have to battle such a tough life situation. 

I have often tried imagining being dealt the same hand in life that you were Zack and when I really let it sink in - when I really put myself in your shoes - and when I become completely honest with myself, I am often scared at what I discover. It would be too much to cope with, it would be too confusing, it would be too unfair. “Why me?” I would wonder. I do not know that I would be strong enough to take on the same challenges that you faced.

Of course, all the empathy in the world will never allow me to truly understand your - or anyone else’s - situation in life, but attempting this always helps paint the larger picture of just how amazingly strong you were, Zack. I had seen you during some of your weaker moments, but over roughly the past 7 years of your life you battled that tough situation with great courage and strength – the same situation that I can hardly bear to fictitiously place myself in for 10 minutes.

There is no question that dealing with depression and Schizophrenia took a lot out of you, Zack. There were times that I saw you at extreme lows that attest to that. But even during those lows, you were battling and making all of your loved ones proud by helping those unknown to you through public channels, such as the newspaper and on your website, regarding these illnesses. Although shy and bottled up in your own way as you dealt with these problems internally, you were always thinking of others and you were a voice for others struggling with similar life situations. That is nothing short of admirable, my friend.

Looking back, it is impossible not to feel like there was more I could or should have done, no matter how much I know no one can blame themselves in moments like these. As can happen with childhood friends, we grew apart over the past 7 years - we went to different universities, you moved back home to deal with health issues, and I moved to cities and countries far from home. However, whenever I wonder what more I could have done for you, I am reminded of a special moment between my mother and I that I hope will serve as advice for everyone in all of their relationships.

When I first learned of your diagnosis of Schizophrenia, I talked with my mom in our kitchen and I will never forget the words she said to me that day.

“Never stop reaching out to him. Never let him feel that he is alone.”

As my mother grew up with two brothers with similar mental health issues, she spoke from the heart with not only experience, but conviction. To this day I cannot recall hearing any words sung so true and full from my mother’s complete being. I took those words to heart and I feel I did do the best that I could as time and space pulled you and I apart, as can often happen to old friends. Sometimes months would go by without a hello, but I never once stopped reaching out to you and I know you truly appreciated that.

Most recently was in January 2011 right before I moved to Guatemala. You were looking the best I had seen you in years: you were focused, happy, and all around together. You, your mom, and I talked about your plans to go back to school to study psychology, we reminisced about the old days, and you brought me up to speed on everything new with you and the family. Before I left I said goodbye and gave you both a big hug and then shipped off to Guatemala the next day. Unbeknownst to me, that would be the last time I would see you, friend.

So, as my mom pointed out to me many years ago, never stop reaching out. Never take for granted the important people in your life and never let yourself be content with silence when those you care about long to feel your friendship and love. Not only to those you know are in need of a friend, but to everyone you care about. If there is anything I have learned, it is that just when life seems to grow monotonous, unexpected changes happen in the blink of an eye.

Zack, your time with us may have been just the blink of an eye in the grand scheme of the universe and time, but your memory, your infectious laugh, and your spirit will live with me for eternity.