"I Am Here"

A morning a person I am not.

Drudging myself from the warm, cozy confines of my bed only to attack (or be attacked by) the day that lies ahead can often, I find, not be worth the effort. Not to be a Dougie Downer for the rest of you who are high on sunshine, but I’d just as soon like to step back in time and meet the genius that perpetuated this “early bird gets the worm business.”

I’d give the guy an “A” for effort, a nice pat on the back for exhibiting such enthusiasm, but then I’d slip him some Xanax to take his life from a The-World-Is-My-Oyster-&-I’m-Gonna-Eat-The-Shit-Out-Of-It high to a much more appropriate I-Lead-A-Mediocre-Existence-That-Allows-Me-To-Live-Within-My-Means-&-I’m-OK-With-That reality. Come down from the rainbow infused, unicorn tear based, hippy drug of happiness with a side of dancing Oompa-Loompas that you’ve been free basing, and join the rest of us on this rock of cold, hard, Earth.

Yes, I see that the sun is up, but no, that alone is not reason enough for me to put a smile on my face and pretend that it has not done that same exact action each and every day of my 28-year existence.

That parlor trick has worn off, my friend. The sun hasn’t fooled anyone with that one since the days of Copernicus, so it’s about time for some new, updated material.  I’m ready to be inspired.

Heliocentric: represent!

Anyhow, the rant against morning people, geocentrism, and those not sharing unicorn tears with the rest of us aside; I find it very odd when I am met with a response to a question from someone that fails to make any sense, fails to even acknowledge that a question was asked, or even goes so far as to respond to my inquiry with yet another question.

Firstly, as far away from the morning spectrum of “chipper” as one can be, it takes a bit of effort and gusto on my behalf to eke out such salutations anywhere between the hours of 6 - 11 AM. Should I find the Herculean strength and Rocky Bolboan resolve to garner a “How are you?” the last thing I need is the confusion of a response, “Good morning.” Wait, you’ve failed to answer my question….or did you? I’m confused.

Ok, perhaps it’s my fault for jumping the gun and immediately using a question in my greeting as opposed to a simple salutation. After all, 99.9% of the time I ask this question I tune out the response as I am often, very simply, uninterested.

And perhaps I am exaggerating a bit; I understand the give and take between a friendly morning exchange of hellos, how-ya-doings, good mornings, and the like. Of course, a straight answer is not mandatory to an inquiry of one’s state, but I can’t help but feel as if it’s like I am asking something as simple as “What is your name?” and the best response mustered is an asinine, “Wicket.” Unless one were raised by croquet fanatics, avid cricket players, or maybe a pair of Star Wars faithful obsessed with Ewoks, I doubt your name is wicket and thus, you’ve failed epically to respond to my question. And don’t respond to my “How ya doing?” with a hearty, “How’s it going?” I asked you first, chief. You don’t want to get into that battle with me – it’s one you will surely lose.

Wicket the Ewok

All of this is to say that the subtly of simply ignoring your greeter’s query and responding with something a bit off-the-wall is not unique to English speakers. Over the years I have found many words, phrases, and sayings in Spanish to be just as entertaining, and a common phrase that one will hear often in El Salvador is among that list.

Question: “How are you doing?”

Response: “I’m here.”

I simply love it. It’s simple, it’s quick, and it about completely avoids the question. Of course, context considered, it is understood to be a neutral response, much like I might respond to the same question in English, “Oh, you know, just hanging around.” I haven't answered how I am feeling or doing, but in general there is nothing too exciting neither here nor there; things are a bit stagnant. Translated literally, however, the response always brings a smile to my face, and that might just be worth waking up for.